Do you like yourself as a mom?

That was the question one mom asked on the Sonlight forums today. It has been a very interesting discussion. And I am saddened by the amount of those that do not feel they are a good mom :(

This was my reply:
Life is hard and busy and just a plain old lot of work. We have ideals in our head what a good mom is. Mine was a good mom did not yell at her kids. Guess what? I'm a yeller. I have this wonderfully patient friend that never yells at her kids, and she has 4 and I only have 3.

So I was telling her this one day, how I wish I could be such a good mom as her. Guess what she told me. She wants to be a good mom like me. Because in her fantasy world of what a good mom is, she decided a good mom cooked great meals and baked yummy goodies. Well, I did that.

The times I liked myself as a mom the least, I was too busy. I had to take a hard look at how I was spending my time, and how I wanted to spend my time. I did let my PC buisness go because I just couldn't do it all. Have a PC business, home school my kids, do all around the house, raise kids mostly by myself because Doug isn't home much. I didn't want to be leaving my boys 2 and 3 and sometimes 4 evenings a week so I could do kitchen shows. I didn't want to be busy on the phone in the afternoon. It was a sacrafice, because I loved it and I was good at it. It's been worth it though. There have been times I've been way too busy doing "stuff" outside the home, and I've had to let that go, too. Kicking and screaming usually.

It is easy to get down on myself. I want to do so much more than I do. Things I used to do before I dealt with chronic disease. But you know what? I can't. So I can make sure I am doing the important things. Being there at night when somebody knocks on my bedroom door and wants to hang out and talk to me. Usually I have to get off the computer or hang up the phone, and sometimes I just plain don't want to. But talking to the person that needs that outlet then is important.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I guess to answer your question, yes I like myself as a mom. Am I doing it the way my "fantasy mom" does? Nope. And I have to remind myself that I do not have to be "fantasy mom" when I get discouraged. I only have to be the best mom the Lord has called me to be.

I'd encourage you to spend time in prayer, in looking over your schedule, in talking with your husband and decide which things are important and how to make sure they get put into your shedule. I think you can have a business, sit outside and read and have quiet in your day if you can figure out how to schedule it in there. And be flexible.

Natalie/Geek had a fabulous reply:
I'm glad you started this thread. I think many of us need to hear it, including me. We need to know that we're not alone in this, that all moms struggle. We homeschool moms especially spend so much time with our kids already and it often feels like, "Enough already!" when we are expected (by whom?) to spend even MORE time with them, playing and meeting their needs.

I think kleo30 nabbed it when she called this ideal the "fantasy mom". We all have our ideal of what she looks like...and that we aren't her. We beat ourselves up because we can't somehow make ourselves into Fantasy Mom.

What are we afraid of? That we won't live up to God's standard for us? That's the only thing we should be concerned with. And we shouldn't be thinking WE can make ourselves into anything, anyway; we can't. Everything we think we make is really dust, smoke & mirrors anyway.

All this to say: I often don't like myself as a mom, but I'm learning to see myself as a work in progress just as God does. I keep myself up at night, crying from my heart about how I wish I could change. But it is only when I can accept myself--where I am today--that God can do a work in me. As long as we're not accepting ourselves, we are still fooling ourselves into thinking we can change ourselves. That is pride, fallen into due to fear of what everyone but God thinks of us.

I do spend many of these late, fretful nights thinking I'm crying out to the Lord...but I'm not. I'm crying out to my Self, trying to make my Self figure out how to be Fantasy Mom #1.

1. Fantasy Mom doesn't exist. In fact, she is actually a false god.

2. God-is-changing-me-a-little-each-day Mom does exist.

--I give myself down time, within reason.--I forgive myself when I'm having a bad day and just don't want to hear about Star Wars the Clone Wars *again*, nor do I want to play Chutes 'n Ladders or drag out messy paints.--I recognize my drive to be a better mom is most often rooted in fear and pride, not in a humble desire to be better. The humble desire to be better must rest completely in God changing me, not me changing myself. Yes, I must cooperate, but I'm not supposed to have anything figured out. Not anything. I'm supposed to feel like I'm clinging to a rock to avoid drowning! When I think I've got something figured out, all I've really done is let go of the rock and erect a useless raft made out of dust & mud.--I do my very best to take one day at a time. I can only do today. Very often I can only do this minute or this hour. That's okay.--I try to gently remind myself that I'm human and that I already do spend a great deal of time with my kids. It's normal to need a break! It's normal to feel like you want to escape, no matter the cost! The more space I give myself, the less resentful I feel, and the more I want to actually spend down time with the kids.--I remind myself that there is a fine, but significant, line between 1) fretting because I'm not who I think I should be (setting up a false god), and 2) allowing God to weed my garden.

Lastly--but most importantly!--I place a very high priority on time with the Lord. I tell my kids when they come downtairs in the morning earlier than usual, "Mommy is recharging her batteries, just like the battery charger plugged in over there." They get it, especially when I tell them that an empty Mom battery is one that yells a lot, LOL. They are learning to respect Mom as a person who has needs, to see that Mom needs God to recharge, and that recharging with God improves people and is time well spent.

So how about you? Do you like yourself as a mom?