I am cross-posting this from my
marriage blog.
Doug has always worked an unconventional schedule. He spent 12 years working a job where he got up anywhere between 2am and 6pm and came home 12-16 hours later. He'd find out on Monday evening what he was going to do on Tuesday, and every day was like that. He did this when the boys were little. It was tough, but at least he came home almost every night.
So when that job ended (and put 57 or so drivers and all the office staff out of work), and had to go over the road, I thought, "How bad will it be? He was rarely on home anyway!" Well, it's a lot worse than I thought. It is down right hard.
There are so many women whose husbands are gone a week, a month, a year, and/or do a lot of travel for their work. It is hard. I didn't realize how hard it would really be.
In an emergency I cannot call my husband home from work. He's states away from me and can't come home. He may be sleeping when an emergency happens; leaving me to make all the decisions. I do not like that at all!
I have 3 teenage boys. Let me tell you that teenage boys act much differently when Dad isn't coming home every night. It is exhausting for a mom to parent and home school teenage boys mostly alone.
It is lonely! I hate going to bed alone. I stay up until I am utterly and totally exhausted and then collapse into bed with a book wishing that my husband were home to kiss me goodnight. I even wish to hear him snoring!
It is frustrating. I am a hormonal mess by the time night number 4 rolls around. I am short tempered and impatient on Thursday and Friday. I really have to work at being kind to my family.
Although we can talk on the phone frequently, we really can't have important conversations or even personal ones. Doug drives with another guy. Corky is always 1 foot away from him. They live in that truck. It is very easy to feel disconnected.
With Doug's schedule of being gone 5 days/5 nights and home for 2 days/2 nights, I am constantly having to change between being the one in charge to not being in charge. That frequent changing back and forth is trying.
The days he is home are so busy we often don't have time to just be and talk and connect. He needs down time. He needs to spend time with the boys. There are always things that need done around the house. We try to go on a date. Laundry needs done, food needs bought and prepared for the coming week in the truck, he needs to nap before leaving for work on Monday, so there goes 1/2 of one of his days home. And then there is family commitments! If you are the mom or sister or whatever of a man that travels for work and isn't home much, please realize that his wife probably doesn't want to share him with you ever weekend, or even every other weekend.
If you are the friend of a woman that is a married single parent (her spouse is gone frequently for several nights or longer at a time), your friend would love to hear from you. It is LONELY! The evenings are the worst. Most people are doing family things. Call her up and ask her if she wants to go to coffee or even just chat on the phone. The computer has become my friend. The few forums I belong to keep me company. I feel like I don't fit into groups at church. I'm not a single mom. But I really can't do things with the couples because my husband isn't home. It is a hard and lonely place to be.
Also, when you call your friend, please don't complain about your husband and all of his shortcomings. Because while she'll sympathize with you about his inability to pick up his socks, she'll really be wishing and longing for her husband to be home so she has the opportunity to pick up his socks.
I am fortunate that Doug does come home on a regular basis and has somewhat of a schedule. I know many trucker wives that have no clue when they'll see their husbands again.
I am also fortunate and very, very blessed and thankful that Doug has a job. Yes, I know that is a wonderful thing in this economy and we are thankful. But reminding me of that after you ask me how I'm doing and I tell you how lonely I am or how hard of a week I'm having does not make the week any less hard or the nights any less lonely. Yes, I am thankful Doug has a job. I just wish he had one where he came home far more than he didn't. And it really is hard to listen to you complain about your husband being late for dinner again. I rarely get to cook my husband dinner.
And there are so many military wives with their husbands gone for very long stretches. I'm sure she faces even more challenges that I am dealing with.
If you are a military family, thank you so much for your sacrifice for our country and our freedoms. I am very grateful to you.We have learned so very much through this schedule. The value of time spent together. Not taking each other for granted. Making love as often as possible when he is home, because it will be a while before we get to do it again, no matter how tired we feel. Taking time to sit and talk. Holding hands and looking into each others' eyes when we talk. It is so not the same to have the majority of your conversations on the phone. How much we really, really do love each other. And that sometimes absence does make the heart grow fonder, but week after week of absence just sucks. Oh, that is another thing not to say to a friend that has this lifestyle.........occasional absence is good for a relationship and does make the heart grow fonder. Regular absence is hard, painful and totally sucks.
I have friends that tell me how lucky I am that my husband has this schedule. They'd love that. A break from sex and not having to take care of them. I am sad for their marriages. I can't imagine being happy that Doug is gone so much more than he is home. After I kiss him good-bye for the week, I can't even watch him pull out of the driveway. It just hurts.
So, the next time you talk to a woman with this type of lifestyle, why don't you give her a hug and ask her what you can do to help her not have to do it alone this week, how she can not feel overwhelmed, if she'd like to go for coffee, or if she has little kids if you can give her a break.
